This is the first scene of Born Again Yesterday.

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Born Again Yesterday
a solo show
by Justin McKean

All characters are played by one actor.

Act One

(Lights up on John addressing a meeting of Fundamentalists Anonymous. Onstage behind him are a trunk, a table, a music stand and a chair.)

John:

Hello, my name is John, and I am a fundamentalist.  It has been one week since I last judged anyone fit for eternal damnation.

I’m a little intimidated by some of you.  I mean, a month I can see.  I’ve gone a week, maybe I can go a month.  But five years?  Ten years?  How do you go ten years without judging anyone?

Yeah, I get it.  One day at a time.

But this is what I was raised to do.  In church, barely able to see over the pew, the congregation all around singing “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war!” That is what it means to be a Christian, see?  It means I’m at war.  And anyone who disagrees with me is my enemy.

The habit spreads, though.  It seeps out of the spiritual and into every facet of life.  You’re wearing something I don’t like: you’re bad.  You’re pierced or you’ve got ink: you’re bad. You don’t speak my language: you’re bad. You drive a Dodge: you’re bad.

Then it eats away at itself. Church people who don’t quite measure up become a target of scorn, almost an obsession…

One year ago I was laying down tracks for a new CD…

(John crosses to the music stand, mimes putting on headphones.  Sings – to the tune of “Peaceful Easy Feelin’”)

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me…

(John stops, troubled. Speaks.)

No, No I’m sorry.  I’m a little distracted.  Do it over.

(Sings.)

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, that saved a…

(Stops singing.)

I’m sorry.  I need to clear my head.  Can you give me just a minute?  To pray?

(John leaves the music stand and prays.)

Dear God, I’m at a Bill Maher comedy concert.  All of the sudden out of nowhere this guy yells out…

Yelling Guy: (loud silly voice)
Hey, Bill!  Only Jesus Christ saves!

John:
Bill just laughs at the guy.

Bill:
You should probably leave before I get to the stuff about Jesus Christ.

John:
The guy leaves.  Everyone’s laughing at him and jeering. What did he think was going to happen?  He yells “only Jesus saves” and the curtains behind Bill part to reveal three rows on risers of black velour robes, silk fringe, clanking bracelets, big, big hair!

Choir:  (sings)
Thank you, Lord!  Thank you, Lord!
Only Jesus saves!
Thank you, Lord!  Thank you, Lord!
For showin’ Bill Maher the way!

Reporter:
And what did you see at the concert-turned-revival?

Attendee:
I was sittin’ on the fourth row, a little to the left.  I was only here because there was no Bible study tonight.  Anyway, there was some funny stuff goin’ on and then someone shouted “Only Jesus Saves” and then we were all dancing and singing and praising the Lord!  I’m so glad I came!

John:
You know this guy’s problem God?  He’s a Bold Christian.  So pushy he makes the rest of us look stupid, you know what I mean, God?

God: (sounds like a pothead surfer)
Dude, I’m God.  I saw it when it happened.  I was so proud of him!

John:
Yeah, exactly, he’s just…
Wait, what?  Proud?

God:
Do you know how much balls it takes to do something like that?

John:
Well, ok, yeah.  But annoying, right?

God:
You are so hard to please.

John:
Ok.  How about this:

(Crosses to the chair, sits.)

I’m at an Appleby’s with some church pals.

(Addressing church pals.)

Yeah, so, I was planning on inviting them to church this Sunday.  What do you think?

Congregant: (west Texas preacher type)
I think it’s great that you want to do the Lord’s work.  We should pray with you about that.

John:

(gets up and crosses the stage, exiting the restaurant)

I figure we’re going to go out to one of our cars, essentially say God bless you, we’d all go home. About fifteen feet from the door we stop, they put their hands on my shoulders and pray.

Congregant:
Oh, Lord! We ask that you be with John as he struggles to find a way to serve you, Lord!

John:
I’m just inviting some people to church.

Congregant:
Lord, we ask that you bless John’s efforts, God.  And that, Lord, you will just bless him and let him know that you’ve got his back, Lord!

John:
My other pal was praying, too.  But not in English.

Other Friend: (Southern Charismatic speaking in tongues)

John:
I also prayed: “Please don’t let anyone be able to recognize me later.”
People begin to walk out of the restaurant and I figure maybe my friends will stop, but the grip got tighter!

Congregant: (louder)
Oh, Lord God, be with these people walking by us today!  Let them feel their great need for you and prod them our way that they might join up in our commitment to you!

John:
No one asked to join us.

God:
Again, balls, man.

John:
Now wait a minute.  I’m complaining here.

God:
Your way is so much better.

John:
My way?

(John sits, listening to a sermon.)

Mmm-hmm.  Yes.  Amen.

Preacher: (similar to the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons)
Wah wah wah wah, wah wah.  Wah wah wah wah wah wah…

John: (to Congregant, sitting next to him)
This preacher is so much better than our last one.

Congregant:
Yeah; that last guy had nothing to say.

Preacher:
Wah wah wah wah wah.  Wah wah wah wah…

John:
So do you want to go to Chili’s for lunch this week?

Congregant:
We did Chili’s last week.  Let’s hit Friday’s.

(a beat)

John:
‘Cause I really like those Chicken Crispers, when you dip them in the ranch dressing…

Congregant:
Friday’s!  We did Chili’s last week!

God:
Dude.  You must get a lot out of church.

John:
Hey!  I’ve been going to church since I was a kid.  I’ve heard all that stuff before.

God:
I’m glad it’s working out for you, man.

John:
Yeah… well, you know what… it’s not.  It’s not working out so well.

(a beat)

The church lies.  Have you noticed?  It lies a lot.
I’m a freshman in high school.

(on phone)

Hi, Amy.  I was hoping you’d call.

Amy: (played as a valley girl)
I’ve started planning my end-of-year party.  I’m looking forward to dancing with you at my party.

John:
Uh.  I won’t be dancing with you at your party.  Dancing is a sin.  There are some things about dancing that just aren’t right.  The Old Testament says something about it, I think.

Amy:
My mother is calling me.  Gotta go.  See you at school.

John:
Fast forward a couple of weeks.  It’s Valentine’s Day.

(on phone)

I’m sorry you’re not feeling well enough to go to the Valentine’s Day dinner at my church tonight.  What did the doctor say was wrong?

Amy:
I want to break up.

John:
What?  But I… I really like you…

Amy:
It’s not you, it’s me.  I just… I really… need to not be dating… you… right now.  I want to break up.

John:
Well, if that’s what you want.

(off of phone)

What was that?  Did I make her mad?  Maybe it was the dancing thing.  She didn’t like that.
Well, ok!  I’m a Christian, she’s a Christian.  I’ll just show her where the Bible says no dancing and she’ll understand and we can get back together again.

(gathers the books he mentions here)

I’ll just get my Bible.  Two versions, just to be sure.  And my concordance: every word in the Bible indexed and cross-referenced.

Ok…

(searches, increasingly agitated)

It’s not here!
There’s nothing here about not dancing!
There is a place where Jesus make fun of the church leaders of his day because they wouldn’t dance!
There’s another where King David is in the street dancing, naked, and when his wife tells him to stop it God gets mad at her!
He was naked, and dancing!  And God had no problem with it.

(a beat)

She’s probably told other girls.

(to God)

I didn’t date for two years after that.

God:
You know what: you not dating is not my fault.

John:
But that wasn’t the first time the church lied to me.  When I was a kid I played Dungeons and Dragons…

God:
Whoa!  And you blame me for your dating problems?

John:
I was in the gifted and talented program!  It’s what we did.

God:
I’m just saying, man.  Take some responsibility.

John:
I… look… one day I’m in church and my preacher says…

Preacher: (drawling)
Dungeons and Dragons is bad.  It will warp your children and turn them into Satanists.

John:
I wanted to stand up and yell, “You don’t know what you’re talking about! Have you ever played the game? Do you even know what a twenty-sided die is? I play Dungeons and Dragons and I’m not a Satanist: I’m here!”

Then I thought, “Ok, maybe I’m not a Satanist but…”

(looks at someone sitting next to him)

…”who the fuck are you?”

Oh, you can’t be a Satanist.  You’re normal.  That’s the Godly thing to be.  But what if you’re not right?

Congregant:
You said the “F” word.  You’re goin’ to Hell.

John:
Where does it say that if I say fuck I go to Hell?

Congregant:
Society has decided that certain words are bad…

John:
I don’t care what society says! This…

(Picks up a Bible.)

This is where we get our lifestyle.  We’re Christians, right?  We find every life answer in this book, right?  It’s the basis for everything we are.  So where’s that rule?  Is it here?

(Picks up other Bibles and tosses them on the trunk in the middle of the stage.)

Or is it in this version?  Or this version?  Or this one?

(John storms off. Congregant calls after him.)

Congregant:
Come back here!
That boy. So melodramatic. He ought to do theater.
He just doesn’t know how to cope.

(Picks up a Bible off the trunk and a set of sticky notes and a pen.  Writes what he’s saying on the sticky.)

“Don’t say…”

(Mouths the word “fuck,” then places the sticky note in the Bible he’s holding. Calls after John.)

Now it’s there!
You just have to know how to play the game. You do what you have to do.

(Another Bible and sticky)

“Don’t say ffff….”

(repeats the sticky notes in each Bible until there is only one left.)

You do what you have to do.  You have to stand up for what you believe in.
“Don’t say fff…uuu…”
You can’t let anything stand between you and your faith.

(Opens the last Bible available and sees a part of the book he disagrees with.)

Sure sometimes the Bible can be confusing, but you can fix that.
Hah!  Look here.  “When I was hungry, you fed me…”
Makes Jesus sound like a liberal.

(Takes a pen and carefully draws a line through the text on the Bible page.)

I mean, you can’t just feed people. They work harder, they’ll have what they need.
Really that whole parable needs to go.

(Uses pen to scratch out a whole section of text from the Bible page.)

Hah! Here’s another one. “Whoever is without sin can throw the first stone.”

(Uses pen to draw a line through that, but it doesn’t work, so during the following he tries to tear out the part of the page he doesn’t like.)

I mean, we don’t have to coddle criminals now. We have due process. Hang on.

(Very focused. Can’t quite tear out the part of the page he’s going for.)

Hang on.  I can’t… oh, fuck it!

(Tears out the entire page and throws it into the trunk. Blackout.)

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So ends the first several minutes of the show.

If you want to see the whole thing, click here.