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Whew it’s been a week!
Lucia di Lammermoor opens at the Chapman Music Hall here in Tulsa one week from today and I feel so lucky to be a part of this show. I’m in the chorus, so I’m singing (Tenor II) with about fifty others at various times in the performance. The rest of the time, I have a better-than-front-row seat for some of the loveliest voices I’ve ever heard. If you’re gonna be in Tulsa in the next couple of weeks, come see the opera.
I began to record some of the rehearsal yesterday to share with you. So beautiful, this music. I was in tears, man. But I had to stop.
It occurred to me that this recording of rehearsal might be against the rules. So I asked. It was. No video or audio of the rehearsals. Violation of various contracts with the artists, you know.
These people are professionals. They have agents and contracts and are making a living from singing for other people. They expect to get paid for doing this thing that they are very good at. I agree with that sentiment. I quit recording them and destroyed what I’d videoed.
As I’ve listened to them, and even more as I have listened to the younger members of the chorus who are currently training to be opera singers, I flash back nearly two decades to my own early training. To my voice teacher telling me that what I was doing was “Hot Shit!” and trying to encourage me to pursue a vocal-centric arts path.
Which I didn’t really do.
Which I find myself regretting.
And now, here I am with these pros and these kids, seeing what could have been.
I used to be really, really good.
I’m not gonna lie. Part of this experience really sucks. The temptation to regret, and to let regret have free rein, is so powerful.
Nothing could be more destructive.
The response I have to make to this set of things I should have done years ago is to DO THEM NOW.
I can still hone the voice. I can still audition for roles. I can still pursue the dream.
Is it harder now? Sure. I have “responsibilities” like every other adult.
But life ain’t getting any longer. I want to spend more of what time I get to spend in the world with these kinds of creative, artful endeavors.
So I am choosing that path.
Today I’m feeling a bit of a panic. I have this sense of overwhelming duty, thinking of those things I must get done.
I’m not off book for the Tulsa Opera gig which goes up in a couple of weeks. I’m only chorus, so it’s not like I have a lot to memorize. I need to have this done.
I’m on schedule for rehearsing Born Again Yesterday’s latest version for the performance in November, but I’m behind on the marketing. Must catch up.
I’m behind on sending info out to prospective venues in other locations. Must get that done today.
I am fixing my day job, as in, preparing to augment the day job I have now with a second stream of income. Starting my own business. There is work there that needs to be done.
I’m up really early, for me. I’m usually a night person, but I couldn’t sleep. too much to do. Too much feeling like I can’t get it all done. Too much feeling like I’m barely scraping by. Near panic. Unsure of what to do next or of how to make everything happen.
So how do I pull all of it together?
Make the list. Do the list. That’s it.
Just like a story has a beginning, middle and end, so it is with what must get done. Make a list. Do the list. That’s it.
Seems so simple. Funny how the simplest things can escape us, yeah? When they do, the fear of failure sets in and the fear of losing control screams right along beside it.
I haven’t been making the list. So I haven’t been doing it. So I haven’t gotten done what I needed to do.
So, good morning, Monday. We’ve got work to do. See? I made us this list…
This is kind of a rant and kind of a declaration of intent and kind of a early-draft manifesto.
I’m sick of not working full time as an artist.
Over the last few weeks my life has changed drastically. I am in rehearsal for three shows. One, Hot L Baltimore with Theater Tulsa, which I’m doing for free. Two, Chorus of Lucia di Lammermoor with the Tulsa Opera, which will pay a small stipend. Three, Born Again Yesterday, the subject of this site, which will pay or not depending on ticket sales.
And then by day I work at a restaurant about 30 hours a week.
Money is a topic of great fear for artists. Most of us have no idea how to make money doing the art. We can get a regular job. We can’t get any money for doing what we love.
Some people I’ve worked with here in Tulsa and across the country are adamant that they are doing theater “because they love it” and aren’t interested in money. I call bullshit on this. These people are allowing their fear to make decisions for them. I know, ’cause it’s me, too.
When we spend 30, 40, 50 or more hours per week doing something which doesn’t necessarily inspire or drive us just because it is the easiest way to get our hands on some money, and then we spend a fraction of that time on our passion…
One of two things is true. Either we’ve given up on our art, or we love the money more. Don’t tell me you love the art if you’re willing to settle for a life devoted to doing the art only in your spare time and if you can summon the energy.
I want and expect to get paid for doing my art. I’ve worked my ass off to become very, very good at what I do and doing it for free kills me. I do it, for free, I give it away because right now that is the path I have set for myself. This show at Theater Tulsa, for example, is free. I’m not getting paid. I’m meeting great people. I’m doing a good job. I’m getting a credit for my resume. In a real way, all of that matters.
In a real way, none of it does.
Would we think this way of a plumber who came to our home, 20 years into her career, charging us a truly professional wage? Would we say, well, she should just do it because she loves it? I know a couple of plumbers. They love it. They see art in what they do. They’d never dream of doing it for free.
I’m done with that nightmare myself.
This year has been one of the best in my life. I think of it as The Year of the Upgrade, because everything in my life is improving. Here’s one of the Upgrades: no more working for free. I’m a professional performance artist and writer. I have rent, bills to pay, debts to pay off. I have financial obligations like anyone else. I won’t fail to meet those because of a lack of gumption on my part.
That’s what it comes down to, you see. My choices. My actions. Opportunity exists. I must simply reach for it, draw it close and embrace it. The choice is mine.
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